Apparently CEO/COO of Me who coordinates my parts, moods and overall view of life has decided that Thursday is just a good day. Last Thursday I was just plain euphoric. Today, though not Nirvana was a good day. I felt positive, optimistic, yet realistic. I'll take it!
Yesterday I made a list of things I needed to talk to Amy about today, issues with sexuality, identity and integration. All sorts of really tough stuff that was weighing like lead in my soul. I have felt crippled with these intrusive ideas for almost a week. Woke up today, those items no longer seem so pressing. Relief. However temporary this feeling may be, I am going to relish every contented moment.
In my experience with PTSD and dissociation, I have never believed that I had discrete parts, more of different moods/emotions. I am coming to realize that these parts must be much more distinct than I gave them credit for. On Tuesday I felt scattered, rebellious, angsty, and child-like. Not to mention the fact that I was pretty sure I was a lesbian. Today I feel like fucking Betty Crocker. Go figure.
I know I have a lot of work ahead of me, and the acquiescence of knowledge that there are "parts" and how that contributes to the complexity and gravity of my recovery is unfathomable to me right now. But I still feel hope. Hope that I can integrate the best of these parts to find peace for myself and offer solace to those around me.
Until that time, I'll take Thursdays.
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