Tuesdays

I am really starting to loathe Tuesday's in general. I have no real personal problem with the day of the week per se, but they always seem to end in some sort of despair, crisis, and/or complete world destruction lately. However, I love hyperbole :) I will ponder Tuesdays and try and figure out how to reclaim them as the fun-loving end of the dreaded Monday.

To eat or not to eat?

I am once again faced with this dubious question. To eat or not to eat? When I don't eat, I feel good, present, almost whole. When I am eating healthfully I feel good, but foggy and splintered. My body image is wacky to begin with, but when eating lately (or maybe just existing) I feel as though I am looking at myself in a severely fractured mirror in a hot and steamy bathroom. At least that is the perception that my often warped mind has identified.

 Now I know to anyone who knows me or my history only has one reply to this question.

EAT.

I will continue to eat, but if anyone has any ideas on other ways to maintain clarity, presence and wholeness, I am open for business. Not only is the fractured image of myself disturbing, it is also quite distracting and not terribly compatible with leading a fulfilling, meaningful, "NORMAL" life. And I do so crave to be normal.

Day 47: When it Rains it Pours

To say our family has undergone some stress in the recent and remote past may be the understatement of the year. Death, family issues, kids, illness, heartache, financial woes--it has all been there. I guess it is what some people call LIFE. I should probably stop whining and examine the good in my life, of which there is plenty. But before I embark on that journey of butterflies and rainbows, I have one more thing to whine about.

Last night our poor little Guinness, yes I know he is a crabby old man but just go with it,  got into a brawl and was essentially scalped. So instead of watching a movie with me, Clay spent the evening at the emergency vet, where G-man had some minor surgery to clean up the wound, insert a drain, and get his scalp stitched back in place. Then the poor little guy cried all night. So another heartbreak, a pathetic little dog,  $450, and a sleepless night. Some may call this a bad day, we here at the Foster house call it Tuesday. Happy fucking Tuesday, everyone.

Day 44: OFF

I have been told I seem "off."
I feel "off."

I am not quite sure what that means, however. Could it be literal? Not on, but off, numb without power.  Or off the path or target? Skewed. Off somewhere else? Missing. Just not right? Wrong.

I feel all of these, off, skewed, missing, wrong.
Not myself.
But who am I really? Do I need to redefine my sense of self? Or at least adapt it to accommodate these parts of me? Only time will tell. In the meantime, I'll search for the switch.

Day 41: Misfit

Why am I such a misfit?
I am not just a nit wit!
I'm a suffering eater
Why don't I fit in?
Why am I such a misfit?
I am not just a nit wit! 
There's no place for me
OH SHIT!
Seems I don't fit in.


I may be different from them all
I try and stall
But will I fall?
I am truly a misfit
Feel entirely unfit
Need to find other misfits
That's where I'll fit in!

Day 35: My 30 Day Chip

Red, metallic, round
Celebrate hope and promise
Thirty days of life

Day 34: Lenten Sacrifice

Today is Ash Wednesday, marking the beginning of Lent. A time of preparation, of self-reflection, soul-searching, repentance. Traditionally one makes a sacrifice or promise during this time, demonstrative of their repentance. I thought a lot  about what that means for me this year, having had somewhat of a spiritual awakening. Since I can't give up food or feelings (sorry, little anorexic humor there), I have decided through self-reflection to abandon perfectionism. For 40 days I will greet the day accepting that I am not perfect, reside in humility rather than expectation. Life rather than fear and paralysis.
Here is the reading from "For Today:"

The maxim, "Nothing avails but perfection," may be spelled "paralysis."
-Sir Winston Churchill

"For today: Perfectionism is another obsession, and I pray to be relieved of it. I do the necessary footwork by taking one small step toward a project or activity I have been putting off."

Perfectionism counters growth and acceptance. One tangible way that I will do this is to give up weighing myself. I am not a number. I am a living breathing imperfect human being.

Bring it on Lent.