I wrote this last week, but never posted it....
Dear (teenage-angsty) Me,
Today I found out that my master plan to return to work next week has been thwarted and replaced by a date yet to be determined. At first, I admit this was upsetting news. However, after discussing with my PT, nurse case manager, friend, therapist, mom, boss, lymphedema treatment specialist, husband and yet another friend I realize that this is most likely a good decision. I have been through hell and am still recovering from major surgery. I had 18 months of excruciating pain and am still battling residual pain and numbness due to nerve compression, weakness, and lymphedema. I want my life back but waiting a few extra weeks to begin that journey, though overwhelming now, is really not a big freakin' deal. I could go on all day about all the reasons that taking it slow and cautious is the "smart choice," but you already know all that, so I will not belabor the point.
So it seems that I have arrived in a place of peace regarding the issue. I am content that taking care of myself now so that I can live the life I want to live soon (and that I deserve to take care of myself because it's not my fault). The wise, thoughtful adult Me has arrived at this decision. Please, hear me.
In the past I know you have been forced into the role of "defensive offender," but that role is not warranted now. We are safe. Safe from harm, injury, hurt and loss. In the past your tirades, phone calls, indigence and just plain sassiness have been so helpful, liberating, protective and even humorous, but you have earned a break, so pause in the contented moment. Resist the urge to make forceful phone calls and prove to the world what we are capable of, they know. There is no need to fight or prove anything. We are safe. Rest now.... for there is no telling what the future brings.
Sincerely,
Me
Note: The last statement occurred after another "switch," very evident in retrospect, reading it a week later.
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