Today marks one year since my Grampy passed away.
Today was also my first day back at work.
In the true spirit of trying to grieve his loss (which I have not yet done), I chose to watch the slideshow that I put together for his funeral. For someone who has a hard time with "emotions," I truly felt his loss as I watched the show. I cried (sobbed really) and laughed as I remembered all the times with him, camping, swimming, skiing, parties, so much laughter and good memories. His mumbling and dry wit, which I happily and luckily inherited. I miss him so much, and my Gram who I feel I am grieving as well, because she does not even really remember me. The paradox is that the loss is so sad, but the memories are so wonderful, so I have decided that I do not to have a choose one emotion. I can cry and grieve their loss, but also rejoice in the wonderful times we had together, how I spent weeks with them in the summer and how they adored my children, how lucky I am that they got to meet them at all. So today I cried, a good hard, cathartic cry and I rejoiced in his memory, and I feel like I may have actually started to deal with this.
Work was wonderful, I was so happy to be back, be productive, be competent. I worked hard and had a good day, but there was that same paradoxical feeling, exhaustion, overwhelming anxiety. This surprised me because I often feel like superwoman and the idea of being tired after a short 4 hour day brought shame into the emotional mix as well. I was not expecting this, and thought I was ready for more. But, I am not. Yesterday was good, baby steps. Listen to my heart, my soul, my body. Embrace the paradox. Let the feelings flow.
Cry.
Laugh.
Yell.
Feel it all because now is the time. There is no time like the present. It is possible to mourn and rejoice, be competent and overwhelmed, just let go and feel.
To my inner critic, you did a great job today, and I am sure you will continue on Friday with baby steps.
To Gramps RIP, I love you.
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