Sexual Substitute

Surviving sexual trauma is so hard. But what is the alternative? Not surviving? Though some days, I must admit, I wonder, perhaps even wish that I had died on one of those horrific satanic nights. Then I would not be this emotionally altered, dissociative, asexual deviant. But oh, the things and people I would have missed. Survival is better, most days.

Two nights ago, I am afraid I had a "dissociative episode" during intimate time with my husband. I "awoke" in the throws of passion with no recollection of how I got there.  We have not been sexually intimate in a long time as I am recovering from painful surgery involving my ass (dampens the mood, you see), so that in and of itself was odd. In the past, my husband and I have discussed that nighttime lovin' is a no-no because I usually awake scared, hypervigilant and basically re-traumatized, which is shitty for everyone. He has been very respectful of this fact, so when I "awoke" the other night I knew something strange had transpired, as I doubted that he would violate that trust. Plus, I was not scared or re-traumatized by the act, rather the circumstances, which left me terrified. On the contrary, I think I may have enjoyed myself, except....

Except I had no idea about the events leading up to our sexual reintroduction.

The next morning he was prancing around, happy as a lark, singing our praises from the previous night's escapades. I mustered the courage to ask him, "how did that happen?" He indicated that I was the initiator, and rightfully became a little defensive given the history. I reassured him that it was enjoyable and consensual. I am just not sure who consented.

In the past I have lost time during dissociative episodes, and recently even felt a "switch" from one day to the next. But what the fuck is this about? Do I have an inner sexual savant? Perhaps just a sexual substitute acting as protector? Was I just sleep sexing?

The saga continues...